PAIN

Let’s talk about pain,
I feel pain because I can,
Pain made me laughs at myself,
It shows how weak I am,
And how hard I am acting tough,
That is me in pain.

When My Soul Is Drained

Tell me I’m wrong, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I suck, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I’m psycho, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I’m a bitch, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I can’t do one thing right, I’ll accept it!

Tell me you hate me, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I’m skinny, I’ll accept it!

Tell me I’m lazy, I’ll accept it!

Yes, I am all of that!

I agree!

For I don’t have any strength left to fight anymore.

I’m just passing by, trying not to get in trouble, I’m trying to be invisible, I’m trying to be as left out as possible. I wanna feel this pain until its not pain anymore. I’ll swallow it until my stomach is full.

I’m broken and I’m alone i need to accept this reality.

I’m no longer me I need to accept that reality.

Each day I’m just passing by and i wonder if nobody ever sees the broken look on my face or am I just too good of an actor?

I cry myself to sleep and yes I'm crying while I’m typing this.

But my tears hold no value! And my laughter? Even my laughter reminds me of my demons now!

Pain Is My Strength

Pain!

Hey! How are you doing? Your the master of your job! You did succeed in making me cry pain. I cried like a baby for countless nights. I still cry but for some split seconds, ain’t gonna lie at times it for a few minutes but not hours anymore pain.

Dear pain, I’ve felt you! I still feel you. But now I’m getting habitual to you. I’m not healing though.

I’ve just made you my weapon to be the best me possible. Yes I’m not happy. Yes i don’t smile from the heart. And yes pain, you eat me up! But I’m just getting better at completing my goals. I won’t let you rule me! I won’t let you take control of my future. I still have control over my career. It might not be my dream career but right now its the only thing that will save me. That will help me move ahead!

Your constantly in my heart pain! I wonder if its your new home now? I know you love it! Well why wouldn’t you? Its a powerhouse as big as this world!

Enjoy your time in there! Cause now i don’t want you to go pain. Your my only friend! My only friend that ignites the power in me to fight! Sad,lonely,worthless,broken and fat is only for me to know not the world.

Indeed acting is one of my talents pain but you have a way to make me practice and enhance that talent daily!

To you pain,

Cheers!

HOW I CONCENTRATE WITH PAIN

So I’m asked to describe how I concentrate to write or focus on anything when pain is such a major contributor in my life and a permanent. I thought about it for a second. The doctor had used the whiteboard and drawn “my brain” with pain in the background and words like focus, concentration, motivation scribbled at the front with arrows looking like they were trying to get into my brain. Understandably these things all present a challenge but the way I see it, is that the pain is like an intricate piece of lace that is draped across my brain. In between the detailed lacy gaps things like concentration, motivation and focus do filter through. And depending on how tight the stitching is sometimes it is easier for those things to flow through and other times not so much. This might make sense to some of you – I’m not sure.

Also I’m not big on the word hope. I don’t want hope – I want it sorted now or I will just live with it until some such miracle cure arrives – but I’m not spending my life or any time at all with the hope that I will be fine again. It is what it is. They say hope is a word used for people who don’t want to accept. That is not who I want to be – I know a part of me longs for my body to be pain free but that is just not how it is.

I believe that determination comes from my soul and I will carve my way through whatever it is the universe chooses to share with me and be grateful at the same time – because even though I can’t walk very far, I can write – just a different double me

Dear Christian...

To the Christian person that says our feelings do not matter, that emotions have to be set aside as they may contradict faith & all things that are holy…. while I appreciate that you wish to further me along in my journey with Jesus… I would like to share a little something with you.

You have not walked, not even one moment, in my shoes. You have absolutely no idea of the depths that I have descended to. You have no idea of the pain & suffering I’ve survived. You have not a clue how lost & broken a soul I have been. You were not there when I lost the battles. You were not there when I was lost in all the surrounding chaos. You have no idea how far down rock bottom was when the fight went out in me.

You do not know me. You do not know my heart. You did not pick me back up. You did not come to me in my darkest hours & comfort me. You did not show me hope & love when I no longer believed in either of them. You did not restore my faith. You played no part in my healing. You did not even know I was broken. — God did. He knew. He showed up pouring out nothing but love & concern. He cared what I felt. He cared how lost I was. He cared about my pain, my suffering, & my broken spirit. I was wrapped up in all sorts of emotions & feelings. & He cared.

You can come to me all day long & say that I should set aside my feelings as they do not matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve even heard it said that it’s selfish to focus only on one’s pain, rather than on what God has said. You can try to educate me all day long on the subject…. but the facts remain the same.

You were not on the floor with me the night I landed on it, writhing in an emotional pain I was apparently not allowed to feel.  I cried & I cried & I said, ” I’m all alone. No one understands. They don’t care. Life is beating me to pieces & I’m all by myself.” & I heard God respond… (Mind you the same God that I had known for years. The same One I had been angry with. The same One I yelled at in all my rage & confusion… because in all my honesty here… I was nothing, if not honest with Him too.) I heard the same very God tell me I was not alone. He said I’m here. I care. I love you. — He reached out to His broken child & He said, I’ve got you. — That is a God that cares. — Sure… He also can’t & won’t tolerate sin… but that does not make Him an uncaring God when His children are broken.

So while I appreciate that you are attempting to help & enlighten me… I remember all too well what it was like to feel like my suffering did not matter. People will descend further into an abyss when they feel no one cares. To stress to them… that the God that loves them more than we could ever comprehend… does not care about their feelings, only their faith…. is not something I will participate in. — You may call me wrong. You may say that it’s cause I’m all up in my inappropriate feelings. & that’s okay. I am all up in my feelings. It’s hard not to be when I know somewhere out there is some broken someone who just needs someone to care.

Because I would rather that… than to abandon someone who, maybe just like me, has crumpled to the floor.. in an emotional agony they can’t handle anymore… by leaning down & saying, hey… I get that you’re upset right now…. but these feelings… you need to push them out-of-the-way… this is selfish… God’s not in the business of caring how you feel… it’s all about the faith. —– Because that is essentially what you have done. Whether you realize it or not, this is what they’ve heard. & I will not do that to another human being in turmoil. — I cannot.

So please understand, you can tell me all about this subject time & time again…. but you & I will never be on the same page about it. To be honest, it is what it is.

Yours Truly,

Dear Christian...

To the Christian person that says our feelings do not matter, that emotions have to be set aside as they may contradict faith & all things that are holy…. while I appreciate that you wish to further me along in my journey with Jesus… I would like to share a little something with you.

You have not walked, not even one moment, in my shoes. You have absolutely no idea of the depths that I have descended to. You have no idea of the pain & suffering I’ve survived. You have not a clue how lost & broken a soul I have been. You were not there when I lost the battles. You were not there when I was lost in all the surrounding chaos. You have no idea how far down rock bottom was when the fight went out in me.

You do not know me. You do not know my heart. You did not pick me back up. You did not come to me in my darkest hours & comfort me. You did not show me hope & love when I no longer believed in either of them. You did not restore my faith. You played no part in my healing. You did not even know I was broken. — God did. He knew. He showed up pouring out nothing but love & concern. He cared what I felt. He cared how lost I was. He cared about my pain, my suffering, & my broken spirit. I was wrapped up in all sorts of emotions & feelings. & He cared.

You can come to me all day long & say that I should set aside my feelings as they do not matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve even heard it said that it’s selfish to focus only on one’s pain, rather than on what God has said. You can try to educate me all day long on the subject…. but the facts remain the same.

You were not on the floor with me the night I landed on it, writhing in an emotional pain I was apparently not allowed to feel.  I cried & I cried & I said, ” I’m all alone. No one understands. They don’t care. Life is beating me to pieces & I’m all by myself.” & I heard God respond… (Mind you the same God that I had known for years. The same One I had been angry with. The same One I yelled at in all my rage & confusion… because in all my honesty here… I was nothing, if not honest with Him too.) I heard the same very God tell me I was not alone. He said I’m here. I care. I love you. — He reached out to His broken child & He said, I’ve got you. — That is a God that cares. — Sure… He also can’t & won’t tolerate sin… but that does not make Him an uncaring God when His children are broken.

So while I appreciate that you are attempting to help & enlighten me… I remember all too well what it was like to feel like my suffering did not matter. People will descend further into an abyss when they feel no one cares. To stress to them… that the God that loves them more than we could ever comprehend… does not care about their feelings, only their faith…. is not something I will participate in. — You may call me wrong. You may say that it’s cause I’m all up in my inappropriate feelings. & that’s okay. I am all up in my feelings. It’s hard not to be when I know somewhere out there is some broken someone who just needs someone to care.

Because I would rather that… than to abandon someone who, maybe just like me, has crumpled to the floor.. in an emotional agony they can’t handle anymore… by leaning down & saying, hey… I get that you’re upset right now…. but these feelings… you need to push them out-of-the-way… this is selfish… God’s not in the business of caring how you feel… it’s all about the faith. —– Because that is essentially what you have done. Whether you realize it or not, this is what they’ve heard. & I will not do that to another human being in turmoil. — I cannot.

So please understand, you can tell me all about this subject time & time again…. but you & I will never be on the same page about it. To be honest, it is what it is.

Yours Truly,

Soul Therapist

How To Make Your Boyfriend To Feel Bad And Apologize

How to get your boyfriend to apologize and say sorry to you? Whether it is for a fight, argument, shouting, name calling or taking you for granted – you should not have to demand an apology verbally. Instead, use subtle ways to drive home the message. From ignoring his calls to giving monosyllabic replies and from refusing intimacy to canceling dates, find out how you can get your boyfriend to put his ego aside and give you a tender apology.

Don’t call him or text him. Let him take the initiative first.

1) Don’t call your boyfriend, don’t send him texts

The first thing you should do to express your displeasure for the lack of an apology is to stop calling your boyfriend. Don’t send any texts either. When he calls and asks why you haven’t been in touch, give a vague reply without giving any excuses.

If your boyfriend is really a nice guy, he will instantly notice that you are in a bad mood. This lull in your daily conversations should be enough to make him realize that you are angry at him for something specific.

2) Try to avoid meeting your boyfriend until he says sorry

Just like how you stopped calling him, stop meeting your boyfriend until he calls you and apologizes. Every time he asks you out on a date, say no without using any excuse.

Let him take the initiative to ask you why you are depressed. Once he cajoles you with a few sweet lines, tell him that you are hurting because of the way he fought with you. This should ideally be enough for a cute apology on the phone straight away.

3) Ignore your boyfriend’s presence when he is around you

Stop being your usual cheerful self when you are with your boyfriend. Ignore him and act as if he doesn’t exist when he is around. He will instantly notice that something is amiss.

If he tries to make you smile with his charms, brush him away and remind him of the fight or argument. He will realize that you are still feeling bad about the tiff he had with you earlier.

Looking at how sad you are about your fights should melt your guy’s heart.

4) Act sad and depressed instead of sulking: Make him apologize from the heart

If you think that your guy is genuinely unaware of the fact that you deserve an apology for the way he behaved, act sad and depressed when he is around. Don’t sulk, because a rude vibe could make him think that you are deliberately trying to start yet another argument.

Try to be as silent as possible and whenever you need to say something, speak in a meek voice. Try not to be too expressive. Let your heart show its true state. If your guy still loves you, he will eventually pick up on your depressed behavior and take you in his arms.

5) Give monosyllabic replies to your boyfriend

If your boyfriend refuses to apologize first despite all your signs of being upset, start giving monosyllabic replies to everything. Answer all his questions with either a Yes or a No.

At the most, reply to anything he has to say in just one word. For example, if he asks you how you day was, just say that it was nice. Keep behaving this way until he finally puts his ego aside and apologizes.

Status updates and tweets directly aimed at your boyfriend without actually mentioning names or a particular situation may drive the point home.

6) Post annoying Facebook status updates and angry tweets

The best part about Facebook and Twitter is that you can give people a piece of your mind without taking their names. Moreover, you can also write subtle yet hard hitting status updates and tweets without being too specific.

Do the same thing with your boyfriend to make him say sorry. Here are a few ideas for tweets and status updates.

• Haven’t been so angry… ever
• Why don’t some people realize how harshly their words can hurt someone
• I don’t remember the last time I was so blue
• A few sweet words would mean a lot to me right now
• I wonder what it takes for some people to realize their mistakes

7) Don’t reply to your boyfriend’s texts, emails or messages on social networks

An easy and immediate way to send your boyfriend a stern reminder of his mistake is to stop answering his calls and replying to his texts. Stop responding to posts on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and all other social networks.

Don’t say anything until he sends you a message to ask you why you are so angry. Reply back and ask him why he hasn’t been considerate enough to bring a closure to your arguments and fights.

8) Cancel a date with your boyfriend at the last minute: Blame it on not being over your fights

Let your boyfriend bear the brunt of your bad mood by cancelling a date at the last minute. Half an hour before you are supposed to meet or when he is supposed to pick you up, send a text to your guy to let him know that you are cancelling.

When he calls you and asks for the reason behind your fickle mind, tell him that you are still not over the way he shouted at you or argued with you. Drive the point home by saying that you are in a bad mood because you have been unable to sleep, obviously because you have been unable to take your mind off the pain.

Break into a sizzling dance move and walk away. You moves will tickle your boyfriend’s heart and maybe make him put his ego aside.

9) Get your boyfriend’s attention by doing something nice: Ignore him afterwards

When your boyfriend becomes heartless and refuses to apologize, you can start playing hardball too. Do something you haven’t done before and get his attention. When he curiously wants to find out more about what you did, ignore him.

For example, learn a quick sultry dance move. It can be something as short as a 3 step move. Pull it off with all your sexy attitude when your boyfriend is watching. When he inquisitively asks you about your sizzling step, just walk away. Show some attitude to reinforce the message that he must accept his mistake and apologize to you if he wants to tango.

10) Say no to intimacy: Tell your boyfriend that you aren’t in the mood

When all your efforts to get a cute little sorry out of your boyfriend seem to be failing, start playing hard to get when it comes to physical intimacy. Don’t lean in when your guy tries to kiss you and give his hugs a cold response.

Hold off on sex as well. Every time you sense that your guy is trying to make advances, tell him that you are not in the mood for sex.

Your behavior will frustrate him. When he desperately tries to find out why you are upset, here are a few examples of lines you can use to make him say sorry.

• How can I be in a good mood when we haven’t brought a closure to what we were discussing the other day
• I am sad because you hurt my feelings when you called me names
• How do you expect me to feel happy when you behave so selfishly
• I am still hurting over what you said to me last night

Dress your best and go on a date with your guy. Find an excuse to leave early so that you leave him with a pretty glimpse of the beautiful girl he once asked out.

11) Look your best when you meet your boyfriend for a date: Lure him into saying sorry

You can lure your guy into saying sorry by dressing your best when you meet him. Amp up your hotness quotient when you see him next, but don’t linger around for too long.

Use any excuse to leave the date so that you give him just a glimpse of your beautiful self. This will subtly remind him of the reasons that compelled him to ask you out when you guys both met for the first time. This playful trick should tickle his heart and make him feel like pampering you out of your misery.

12) Don’t be rude to your boyfriend: Avoid more confrontations

One of the trickiest parts of getting your boyfriend to say sorry is that you must remain emotionally detached when you try to make him realize why you are behaving differently. If he feels that you are being rude to him unnecessarily, he may become angrier. This will lead to more fights, more name calling, more shouting and more regret.

Avoid all this mess by controlling your emotions during the aftermath of your arguments. Try to make him realize his mistakes by showing a calm, level-headed attitude.

Have a heart to heart chat with your guy and ask him if he still feels about you the same way he did earlier. This should be enough to make him realize that he should be more considerate of your feelings.

13) Ask your boyfriend if he still likes you the same way he did earlier

Show your emotional side to try to coax an apology out of your boyfriend. Make a cute face and ask your guy if he still likes you like the way he did earlier. Say something along these lines when he asks you, why you are in such a fragile state of mind.

• I feel like you don’t care how I feel anymore
• You don’t treat me the way you used to before
• How come you never realized I was hurting so much after our fight

Use these lines as conversation starters and drive the point home. A heart to heart chat could be all it takes to make your boyfriend realize his mistake.

14) Forgive him when your boyfriend says sorry: Don’t act pricey

If you manage to make your boyfriend say sorry after using one or many of these tips, take whatever he gives you. Don’t try to prolong his apology by acting pricey. Any attempts to get more attention can easily put him off.

Allow him to say sorry and finish explaining his side. If you have something to say, keep it crisp and direct. Don’t start yet another argument by pulling out the past

CHOICE

Choice,

Is it Really?

Or

Is it Silly to say?

That choice is given, when no voice is given to the one whose life is being taken

No! not silly…… Tragic, a tragedy of epic proportion, where epic distortion has led to epidemic and premarital abortions!

Murder! …..Yes I said the word

It’s easy to hear but it needs to be heard so it needs to be said because blood has been shed, because babies are dead…. So I will not opt for a soft word instead.

Yes, choices are made

Some choose to silence babies heartbeats with vaccines and the hitmen called doctors choose to get paid!

Now here is where it gets dramatic… it’s where I get right wing extremist … A religious fanatic

But let me be emphatic

I will take any name as long as I proclaim Christ and save babies from being sacrifice…. So get erratic and throw me all your profaning names, I know it won’t get the least problematic

Here is where the problem lies…. This is where Christian compromise, it’s where we choose to close our eyes as babies after babies die.

It’s where sinners are sinking into hell and we have the saving truth we choose to refuse to tell. That’s bad and brutality.

Some offer baby boys and baby girls to idol called choice in the name of convenience and individuality….. Where Christians refrain as sinners perish in vain and babies are slain, thanks to medical brutality.

SO

WHERE

IS THE

HOPE?

For the Christian who fail to take his stand, He still extends His nail pierced hands, so the sake of His glory and name

Let Him fan away your ugly stories and shame so you can obey and speak truth in His name

SO

WHERE

IS THE

HOPE?

For the sinner, there is faith and repentance,

He can wipe away your sentence

Because he choose to give his son…… the one he choose to give in the sinner’s place

So he can give the sinner grace……

There’s no sin within or without that is beyond his redeeming blood

No sin his grace cannot erase

He can equip the sinner with his righteous protection

And grant him His glorious resurrection

So don’t let it get distorted

You can be forgiven even you’ve aborted

That is the truth

If your heart is contrite

He can make it right

And restore it

CHOICE

Someone long ago made the choice to arise, to open his eyes and see through the lies… to turn from foolish to wise

CHOICE

Some here can make the choice to accept the truth and preach good news

OR

Make the choice to refuse and refute

But know at the end you will have a lot to loose

SO

WHAT

WILL YOU

CHOOSE?

MY WORST MISTAKE

“My life has been devastated by abortion. I have had three abortions because I didn’t think I had any other choices.

I was 17 years young and my boyfriend told me if I didn’t have the abortion that he would leave me. I thought I loved him, and I knew I could not have a baby without his help and support. So I did what I was told and went through with the abortion.

“When going in for my abortion I was told by the ‘professionals’ that it was only a blob of tissue, and it would be safer and easier to abort than to carry my baby to term. I would later find out this was a lie.

“I remember laying on the cold table with no anesthetic for the pain, staring at the ceiling, wishing I were someplace else. It seemed to last forever and the pain was unbearable. No amount of anesthetic could dull the pain in my heart and mind. The type of abortion I had was the vacuum aspirator method. I could hear by the increased labor of the suction machine what part or limb of my baby was being extracted. Each time I tried to look at the jar with my baby’s remains they would push me back down. To this day I still hear that haunting suction sound.

“When it was finished I was sent to a waiting room with the other girls. I was given a cup of juice and told I could leave in 20 minutes if I felt alright. I had never felt worse but I told them I felt fine because I just wanted to be out of there.

“A part of me died that day as I realized I would never hold or see that child. I became angry and depressed. I started drinking heavily, doing drugs, and became very promiscuous. I didn’t think anyone would love me unless I gave them sex in return. I got pregnant two more times and chose abortion each time…

“I later met and married a wonderful man. After trying to start a family with no success, we learned I was infertile because of the abortions. The suction from the vacuum aspirator destroyed my tubes and ovaries…

“Everyday I live with the reality that the only children I will ever bear I killed….”

STOP ABORTION!!!!

RAPE and ABORTION = MURDER

When They Say: 
“If a woman is raped, she should be allowed to have an abortion. After all, that child will do nothing but remind her of the trauma she suffered.”

You Say:
“First of all, the incidence of pregnancies resulting from rape is very rare. However, even in small numbers they do occur and it’s important for us to address that.

Rape is a horrible crime – perhaps the worst that can be committed against a person, short of murder. But let’s look at this logically. The guilty party – the rapist – if caught and convicted serves an average of just under 14 years for his crime.1 How then is it fair to punish the second innocent victim of the crime – the child – with the death penalty?

Abortion does not erase rape – in fact, women who have experienced abortions for reasons of rape often refer to the abortion procedure as ‘the second rape’ or ‘the mechanical rape’ because of the physical nature of the procedure. In fact, some even say that the abortion was more psychologically damaging than the rape itself because in the rape they were an innocent victim, but in the abortion they participated in violence against both themselves and another innocent victim… their child.

This brings us to the final point re: abortion for reasons of rape. The child conceived through rape isn’t just ‘the rapist’s child,’ he or she is the victim’s child. Killing one’s own child, regardless of how that child was conceived, does NOT help any woman. We need to offer women life affirming options when they are faced with horrifying circumstances. After suffering through a rape, women can take back control by offering life to their unborn children.”